Sunday, April 23, 2017

My experience with social anxiety.



Let me tell you something about social anxiety. Social anxiety is the feeling of anxious when you are trying to socialize, to cut it short; it is when you can’t bring yourself to face the crowds because this odious and evil little voice inside your head keeps whispering to you that when you’re facing the crowds – you won’t be able to be yourself, you won’t be able to breathe properly, you can’t bring yourself to calm down because you know that they are going to judge you, no matter what happened. You know that you won’t survive because you keep hearing them taunting, mocking, scoffing and laughing at you. That’s the horrible part of it. 
Take it from my experience, I was experiencing the most social anxiety in my life when I was 14. It was terrifying, I couldn’t even look at those times without wincing. My only problem is that I kept those feelings all to myself, I didn’t tell anyone. If only I could open up to people just as easy as I fake a smile at them, I would’ve not experienced that. You can’t describe how you felt when the anxiety comes flooding into yourself. It’s like battling with your own voices in the head but keep denying at the same time. Your heartbeat will increase irregularly, you’ll be sweating profusely. All you want to do is crawl into the ground until everyone leaves. 
It had come to the point where I didn’t feel like school was important to me anymore. That was the place that terrified me. My brain, creating a defensive mechanism, told myself that I didn’t have to go to school. So I did that. I missed school almost every week, but that was the thing that calmed me. School hours were akin to the hell on earth. Every step I took was followed by the taunt of groups of boys in my head, scoffing and insulting me. I didn’t know how to make it stop, not being in school was the only clear solution back in that time. 
I remembered being scolded by my parents because I missed too much of school sessions, my parents beat me and I still can feel the pain of it. It’s been 6 years but it still haunts me. I remembered praying to God when I took the beating–I prayed for Him to take my life, so that I didn’t have to feel that kind of pain anymore–that kind of pain that makes you remember how awful your life was, the chest pain that keeps expanding every time you think of it–I didn’t want to experience that anymore. 
But I survived. I didn’t know how, but somehow, I made it. I survived the hellish period at school, started as a new person when I entered Form 3. I aced every examination I could until I left school. Now, I am kind of living the type of university life that I always imagined. I used to imagine that I am going to be flying one day, and I achieved that dream. Somehow, I could finally say that I kicked social anxiety ass and proved that I am stronger than the feeling inside me. Nonetheless, I am still battling with the remnants of it. And I will survive because that’s who I am. A survivor.

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

Life is hard.


assalamualaikum.

semua sihat? dah makan? dah bangun tidur? apa ni dah pukul 10 pagi tak bangun lagi. insaflah wahai anak muda. hahaha okay okay terbabas pulak. hmm sebenarnya takde apa pun nak tulis sekarang ni, tadi banyak idea nak tulis since dah terlajak baca post lama-lama sebelum ni. rajin jugak eh dulu update blog. almaklumlah sejak sejak dah ada sifat malas nak kisah pasal life orang lain, makin bahagia hidup ini tanpa perlu menulis blog lagi. lol

adakah ini tanda-tanda sedang adulting? atau tanda-tanda diri ini semakin tua. alah chill, baru 21. actually, 21 tahun pun tak sampai lagi. so tahun ni sebenarnya tak boleh la nak vote untuk election, kena tunggu next election hahaha. semangat okay rasa nak vote tapi tu lah, lepas ingat balik yang voting process kena beratur, terus macam bersyukur sebab belum cukup umur. i mean, sekarang 2017 kot, kenapa still tak buat online system untuk voting? nak cakap takut hackers/attackers, rasanya ramai grad students network computing boleh brainstorm nak invent satu system yang selamat dari ancaman. tapi taktau lah kan, what do i know. remeh sebenarnya benda ni.

penat tau fikir pasal benda macam-macam. tambah pulak sejak duduk rumah sewa, dia punya beban ya allah rasa nak quit. imagine lah duit ptptn satu semester, 2.4k tapi bila tolak yuran, lebih kurang 1.5k je baki dia. and then, rumah sewa sebulan lebih 200, bil internet lagi, dengan basic necessities yang selalunya dua bulan guna habis, grocery lagi nak beli untuk masak, kalau kat western countries okay la grocery items semua tak mahal mcm sini, ni romaine salad pun mahal kemain. wow banyaknya membebel, biasa la benda kalau libatkan duit ni membebel dia sampai tahun depan pun tak habis. sekarang tengok benda atas sepuluh ringgit pun dah dua tiga kali fikir nak beli ke tak, inikan pulak benda yang mahal tapi memang keperluan basic kita. duit nak pakai plus minus dalam 6 bulan, nak harap duit parents pun segan. sebab tu lah tajuk harini life is hard. 

tapi nak buat macam mana. nak tak nak kena endure jugak, mana tahu lepas ni dapat ilham nak buat something. oh and by the way, i am in semester four! kemain kan excited semester four, ada lagi another four semesters nak remain kat sini, berikanlah ketabahan. sorry la dah lah tak update dari bulan 10 tahun lepas, lepastu sekali update banyak membebel pulak hahahaha. i feel like discontinuing this blog but tak delete la, just taknak update dah. kalau macam mood ada tu update la kot. after all, bukannya ada audience. till then, assalamualaikum and have a good day.